I apologize. Things are about to get real. Things are about to get personal. Things are even about to get serious. Deal with it. Isn't that what a blog is all about anyway?
And while this has little to do with Copenhagen, being here, in a new environment, has had everything to do with what I'm about to say...
It's true.
Many people used to tell me (even recently) that I'm far too hard on myself. That I strive for so much, that I'll miss out on just being happy to be me.
I always used to think there was nothing to be happy about. What was so great about being me?
Thus, it was so profound when, just over a week ago, I said to myself for the first time ever, "It's really great to be me. I wouldn't rather be anyone else in the world." I stopped for a few minutes, dumbfounded with myself for having had such a thought. It was completely foreign to me, and utterly unprovoked. Nothing remarkable had happened to me that day. What had changed?
Sure I had been pleased with myself in the past. But it was usually for doing better than someone else on a test, getting a perfect grade on a paper, landing a lead role in a play... there was always some sort of competitive reasoning for feeling good about being me. Obnoxious right? Miserable? Yes.
I just got out of one of the darkest periods in my life. Among other things, I poured my all into a relationship, almost completely losing myself, sacrificing over a year trying to make someone who loved me, but had a knack for only seeing the negative, see that I loved him back. He never did. He only ever pointed out the ways that I failed to be a good partner, and I fought back for vindication. This man was, in a lot of ways, exactly who I saw myself with in the future (ugh. yes. I know I'm young, but still...), and I thought "If I can just get this to work, I'll feel settled. I'll at least have that piece figured out. I'll be happy." We never reached a point of happiness. And I think fingers can be pointed all around. He's undoubtedly a work-in-progress (I would say, even more-so than myself), but I finally see that happiness will never come from someone else's approval. I worked so hard to fix myself in the context of "we" that I failed to see that maybe I'd be better off just fixing "me". I find myself truly single, with not a single guy on the back-burner, for the first time in... well... as long as I can remember. 5 years? More? And I'm not even looking. Sooooo not the me I used to be. Again, what's changed?
I was just sitting on a stoop, eating some take-away dinner with Tiffany (see previous spider-bite post for reference) talking about all of this. She, like me, has always had some far-off goal that drives her. We both tell ourselves "If I just reach this career goal," "If I just find myself on the arm of this man," "If I just someday fulfill the image in my head of the life I one day hope to have," then... I'll be happy? I said to her, "Do you really think we'll just wake up one day and say to ourselves 'I'm there. I finally reached it,' or is it more likely that we'll just keep setting ourselves up to fail?" There won't be some great event that'll take place where I'll finally just be good enough for me.
As much as I fight cliches, they're overused for a reason. They're true. When it comes to romance, you've got to love yourself before you can truly let someone else love you. I think I finally believe this. And currently? I'm having a minor love affair with myself. It's not some sort of ego-trip. It's more a sort of excitement I get just to be mindful of the things that really make me tick, rather than defining myself based on what I am, career wise, or who I'm with.
Now that I don't spend all of my free time fighting with someone, trying to validate myself through someone else's love, I'm getting to spend time doing all of the stuff that just validates me, period. And the work culture in Denmark helps too.
Here, people don't live to work, they work to live. I often get off work around 5:30 and have an entire evening to just do whatever I damn well please. And when you're job isn't some distracting, all-consuming thing that keeps you from discovering what you love or hate about yourself, about your life, you really get to find happiness. Not some happiness from some big goal, but happiness found in the little things. Daily moments.
I've got, what seems like, all the time in the world for introspection and hobbies. I get to come home from work, throw on running shoes, and take off to explore for as long as I want, get home and sing in the shower, put on music and dance naked (shit happens), lay on my bed and just reflect on my day, write songs and play guitar for 4 hours, grab a beer with friends, write (blog?), cook a leisurely dinner, watch a movie, skype with some of the best people in the world, and fall asleep cuddling with no one but myself. And damnit, I'm so comfortable!
I still want to be successful career-wise, no doubt. But there's no need to compete or compare myself to others. There's no need to strive for fame in my field by the age of 25. I think I'd rather slow down and just enjoy things a little in the meanwhile, before my youth truly slips away. Yes, I need to work on my portfolio. But that can wait. It does no use to stress about these things now.
And I will probably be Mrs. So-and-so someday. I'm one of the few who would still really like to settle down and live the married life at some point. But there's no use trying to fit myself into a relationship that doesn't just, well, fit, just for the sake of not being alone. Because right now? I'm really loving this alone time. For the first time in my life.
Because I'm good enough. I'm smart enough, and goggone it, I like me!
Yeah... I'm almost nauseated by my positivity. What happened to negative Natalie? Whatever. I think I like this version better.
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