Endless Deadbeat Summer

I have a problem with free time.

I have longed for evenings and weekends for the past two to three years, wishing for time to tackle my personal to-do list. Paint some epic paintings, read a few great books, sketch more, work on my portfolio, get out and travel, exercise, write songs, learn how to play guitar better, learn languages, etc... etc... etc...

Well, now I have evenings and weekends. And guess how I spend my time? Doing nothing.

Every weekend is the same.

I get up super late, laze about the apartment for a while, head out to grab a cup of coffee around 2, maybe meet up with a friend at a flea market or at a park, hang out for a little, head home, laze about some more, and then head out to a party or a bar. Rinse, Repeat. Of course, waking up too late to do anything but more lazing about the next day.

My to-do list just sits. Neglected. Nothing checked off. Take this blog, for example. Look how long it takes me to post anything...

So of course, all of the time I spend lazing about doesn't even feel good. I just feel guilty. Anxious, even, that I'm wasting free time.

Why do I feel the need to do anything in my free time except for spend it as free time? I should really just learn how to relax. Sleep in. Laze. Feel ok about it.

About an hour ago I put on running clothes. My shoes are even on, tightly tied. My hair is pulled back. Ready to sweat.

I never went for a run. I'm sitting at my computer, eating a piece of pizza. I used the fact that it got dark and cold as an excuse to not leave my place. Plus, I'm going out soon anyway. Who wants to re-shower?

But now I'm just disappointed in myself. I can't even properly enjoy this pizza.

I am a deadbeat.

But maybe I should just be at peace with that. Learn to not move and stress and work all the time.

Om.

I lied.

I'm thoroughly enjoying this pizza.